The Garden Club Year
Over lunch today we were talking about a garden club we used to enjoy that has become boring and bitchy. Not sure which is worse. And the discussion morphed into a list of Programs That Never Were. Here are a few of our funnier ideas:
January: Bitch Slapping 101. Bring your attitude! Guaranteed to be fun for all...well, about half, actually. Ibuprofin will be provided.
February: How To Lead a Horticulture, But Not Make Her Think (think about it. say it out loud. then thank Dorothy Parker, and hope you grow up to be just like her.)
March: Drivel, Or How To Say Absolutely Nothing In Three and a Half Pages. A must for newsletter editors and contributors.
April: The Bored Meeting (no, there's no mis-spelling here) Deviled Eggs Will Be Served. And Eaten.
May: Flower Arranging To Intimidate
June: Custom Cocktails For Fundraisers: Get Hammered Tax-Deductibly and on Someone Else's Insurance. A must for all future fund-raising chairpersons. There will be an optional twelve-step program beginning immediately after the fund raiser.
July: Workshop: Making Your By-Laws More Obscure and Confusing. Fun for all!
August: Paralyzing Your Club Thru By-Laws (this is a continuation of the July Program)
September: Wresting Control From The Electorate Via Shadowing, or How To Neuter The Nominating Committee
October: The D.I.Y. Herbal Colonoscopy: How To Find Your Head
November: How To Be Treasurer and Never Balance (or even open!) a Checkbook. Or a Computer. No experience required - in fact no experience is preferred!
December: Entertaining To Intimidate. This will be a continuation of our May program. You must have successfully completed Flower Arranging To Intimidate in order to attend.
And a bonus workshop for you over-achievers: Making Sarin Gas From Scratch. For those times when nothing else is working, and you really need a fresh start. You must have attended Castor Bean 101 to take this advanced workshop.
It should be an interesting year! Jane Doe, President For Life.