Thursday, September 5, 2013

Postcard From The Hedge: September 2013

The Garden Club Year

Over lunch today we were talking about a garden club we used to enjoy that has become boring and bitchy.  Not sure which is worse.   And the discussion morphed into a list of Programs That Never Were.  Here are a few of our funnier ideas:

January:  Bitch Slapping 101.  Bring your attitude! Guaranteed to be fun for all...well, about half, actually.  Ibuprofin will be provided.

February:   How To Lead a Horticulture, But Not Make Her Think (think about it.  say it out loud.  then thank Dorothy Parker, and hope you grow up to be just like her.)

March:  Drivel, Or  How To Say Absolutely Nothing  In Three and a Half Pages.  A must for newsletter editors and contributors.

April:  The Bored Meeting (no, there's no mis-spelling here)  Deviled Eggs Will Be Served.  And Eaten.  

May:  Flower Arranging To Intimidate

June: Custom Cocktails For Fundraisers:  Get Hammered Tax-Deductibly and on Someone Else's Insurance.  A must for all future fund-raising chairpersons.  There will be an optional twelve-step program beginning immediately after the fund raiser.

July: Workshop:  Making Your By-Laws More Obscure and Confusing.  Fun for all!

August:  Paralyzing Your Club Thru By-Laws (this is a continuation of the July Program)

September:  Wresting Control From The Electorate Via Shadowing, or How To Neuter The Nominating Committee

October:  The D.I.Y. Herbal Colonoscopy:  How To Find Your Head

November:  How To Be Treasurer and Never Balance (or even open!) a Checkbook.  Or a Computer.  No experience required - in fact no experience is preferred!

December:  Entertaining To Intimidate.  This will be a continuation of our May program.  You must have successfully completed Flower Arranging To Intimidate in order to attend.  

And a bonus workshop for you over-achievers:  Making Sarin Gas From Scratch.   For those times when nothing else is working, and you really need a fresh start.  You must have attended Castor Bean 101 to take this advanced workshop.

It should be an interesting year!  Jane Doe, President For Life.   

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